I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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