I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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