i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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