How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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