Farmville is her only friend.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I touched a dick in church today
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
