suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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