Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
It was confusing and full of hummus
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
