okay pat passed out under dana's car
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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