Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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