alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
