I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
