I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize