I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
