My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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