she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
