i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
