i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
