Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
