She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize