Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
