It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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