he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
