dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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