if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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