I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
