Just fell off a train. Bad.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
