saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
