i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
