No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
