I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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