here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
