I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Drunk is a universal language darling
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
