insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
