I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just high enough for therapy.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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