I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
