i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
