Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize