so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
