Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
