I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
