between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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