i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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