I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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