oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
