she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
