you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize