Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
