i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
