if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
