I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
