Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I still have a little drunk in my system
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Can't talk, ducks in the car
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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