I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
