Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
