thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Randomize
