No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
