My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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