Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
i now understand why vodka
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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