My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
