Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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