once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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